hold

 

November 29, 2011

In your sleep you took my hand and didn’t let go. Best friend, why do I feel like you’re gone or trying to run away? I am going no where, I am here still, I am waiting. Hold my hand please, just a little tighter. I feel, if you’re holding me, I’m allowed to hold on too.

winter

I can’t escape this longing for a bitter cold winter. My body craves that deep chill, the wind rushing through a bulky knit sweater, raising goosebumps on my skin. I miss my snow boots, my heavy rugged snow boots. My heart aches for the day-long silence after a snow fall and the deafening peace that envelopes my own little world. I want to snowshoe, to build snow creatures, to ski, to push my body until it aches. The dull, all consuming ache that tells me I’m alive. The ache that is only soothed by a calm snow fall, numbing winter winds and the warmth of a roaring fire. Winter I am waiting for you.

in my heart

November 2, 2011

I am chilled by the crisp fall air. The snow crunching under my boots, untimely this early in November, teases me. I crave that bitter cold of winter, the shivers and chills to then be comforted by a fire. I see my life as I’d like it to be, years from now. A creaking farm house, nestled between oaks and maples, plumes of smoking bursting from the chimney top. Wafting sent of apple pie and freshly baked breads, a warm cup of tea in my hand an a book in my other. Snow falling silently beyond the windows, drifting here and there on the whispers of winds. A dog at my feet, waiting for someone to return home. Peace and love in my heart.

strangers but friends

Ironic, that we sit on stairs as we take steps forward. Words floating about and others trapped in our heads. We are strangers but you are forever my best friend. I wish you only happiness and success. I wish only to hug you. My walls are built higher, towering between us. I want you to tear them down. Make rubble of each brick I so carefully stacked. You did it once, you can do it again. I will wait. I will sit on these stairs, you beside me, taking steps, because I love you, still.

not moments

More than the moments I remember the feelings. The cold and heavy weight of being so minuscule to the world, sitting in the field along side your house, hearing only the snow fall and our breathing. Shivers down my spine when you caught my eye. I cried then, with happiness. The orange rays of a late summer day, the hot, salty wind on my face. Humming cicadas sing to us as we cruise down the country roads and swim in the ice cold lake. My long, tired legs wrapped around your waist and my arms floating above my head, rising and falling with the gentle lake waves. Peace and warmth enveloped me.  Laying restless but comforted by echoing pitter-patter of rain on the tent roof matched to the soft breathing of your sleep. Love, when you sat behind me in the tub, washing my hair and running just finger tips down my spine. Just as vivid, those times apart when I felt only for you. The feelings, not just the moments. So clear in my mind are the breezes and the lapping water, the bitter cold snow on my bare skin but the warmth of my hand in yours. Clearer than a dream, like I am living it again, each feeling so sweet and delicate. So pure. That, my friend, I miss, intensity in feelings. Sadly, you, no longer.

wanderlust

The leaves are beginning to turn, the air is crisp and the days patterned by blustery winds. The sweet tap tap of rain falling against windows and slipping from umbrellas is added to the rhythm of my day. The foggy mist rolls across the Appalachian Mountain tops as the clouds linger above removing the sun. I see life everywhere; in the hawks that coast on thermal winds and the plants that hold on to the last seconds of green. Wanderlust has stolen my heart. In this beautiful place I am hollow and lost. I crave the open fields of the western plains, the vastness of the oceans and the strength of the towering mountains. My body longs for the dry heat of a dessert and the frigid cold of a deep winter night. To be able to wander but never be lost. To find myself. To find peace and serenity with this changing world. I am restless and discontented with the stressful simplicity of daily life. I want no agenda. Technology free. Space. Endless space, and time.

What i wrote when..

July 23, 2011

I want to take a semester off. I want to get out of Connecticut and away from all the busy bodied people. I want to be somewhere else, where different rules apply. I want to wander but not be lost. I want to explore and take in things I have yet to see. I want to be happy with just one other person and have their concerns be my only concerns. I want not to worry about money. I want to work here and there, only jobs I like. I want to be somewhere else. No stress. No worry. No hurt. Just me, my love and my camera.


My own words from my journal this past summer. They still haunt me, I still feel them.

wish list

I have less than four days before I'll be moved into new housing and officially starting my position as
Photography Editor. I already have an interesting class schedule with wide-open, class-free Wednesdays and Fridays and will be dabbling in the arts with a drawing class. Organizing photographers and photographs for both online and print, attempting to finally get the Photography Club recognized as an organization on campus, and getting to know 4 new roommates, I'll be quite busy. Of course I still have a wish list of things to accomplish...
1. WORK OUT!!
not just the occasional jog to the gym for a hour, but real, committed, drenched-in-sweat-and-feeling-fantastically-sore-afterwards, hard workout. My goal?
These abs...

 but I'll settle for these..

I know that means eating healthy, staying active and limiting the Ben and Jerry's intake.
2. Even though I said I'd do it back in June, I will definitely finish my quilt and compose a novel. Or  short story, one or the other.
3. I'd like to join my cousin in her yoga ritual but I, most likely, will need to start out small. I don't think I'm ready to dangle from the ceiling twisted in linens.

4. I'll compile my best photographs and print them for a portfolio and entertain the idea of an online portfolio. 
5. I'll be the best me that I can be; squash old bad habits and flourish with newer, better ones.

home

finally, back in CT but everything feels different. the summer is noticeably over, you can tell by the mid-august light. i've already accomplished back to school shopping and invested in my macbook.. 2 months of tips right out the window. just one week before i move in. exactly 7 days. 7 days of unpacking, repacking, email checking and sending, and file transferring. 7 days away from austin. it's nice to have a bit of space but still lonely without my best friend. i'm completely disoriented in this state; the garbage is in the wrong cupboard and the vacuum is magically yellow and not purple, traffic whirrs by endlessly and for the first time in a week i'm not sleeping in a tent. my summer has been nothing short of eventful, eye opening, a learning experience. sharing it with austin made it that much more special. now once i find the memory card for my camera i will truly be able to reminisce about my time away and prep for the school year ahead.

two to go

magic. one of the few words that comes to mind when describing this summer. along with, simple, happy, bright, warm, challenging and surprising. just two weeks left in this whirl wind adventure. its had its moments of ups and downs. difficulty staying on top of the never ending laundry and always keeping delicious and healthy foods stocked in the fridge. working silly hours at the diner and endlessly baking when austin's away on the island. i never would have put myself here, never would i have thought this would be where i am today, but i've loved every second. i couldn't ask for a better best friend to help me survive here on our own. he makes me laugh, gives me hugs and is an amazing cook and the ultimate grill master. i'm nervous for what might be around the corner in these coming weeks at school- editing the paper, photographing events, coexisting with new roommates, staying true to myself. life is full of challenges, is it not? ups and downs, highs and lows. i wish for many ups and a plethora of highs. i hope to keep calm and carry on, to smile often and love much. to not be too scared and to try something new. and of course to always curl up with austin for a good movie and much needed quite time. my rock. i don't know the future but i do know who i want to be in it with me. as this summer has been filled with color, light and happiness, i can only dream of the same for this fall and winter. i'll be keeping my camera close and a pen in hand. its high time i realize how spoiled i am and find the creaivity to tell my story.

one down

one week down and i'm in love with living on my own. we cook meals together, he builds a fire when its cold, i pack his lunch for the days on the island and we continue working on the film. the families are visiting this coming week, i welcome the visitors but i cant wait for it to be us again, being all grown up like.

Horrah!

putzing around the mall and target with my mumma today, gathering last minute needs and wants for this summer, i realized, i'm an adult. mostly. trying on pants and collecting fun shirts and skirts in my cart, my debit card felt heavier in my bag. my goal to save money for those extra things i want to splurge on or the groceries and utilities bills i'll be paying this summer, semi flew out the fitting room door. i did manage to get everything on my NEED list and only a few things from the WANT. more and more, however, i'm realizing i'm growing up, much to my distaste. yet, as i walked around in bewilderment of my changed life of 20, i revised my goals list. the goal to save money will remain unchanged, because lets face it, we all wish we had a little more cash. the goal to dress up and embrace my 20s is slowly taking hold in my life, but it may temporarily be due to the fact that i have much more time to get dressed in the morning and my sister's closet to share. the goal to find a job, film a documentary and live with A is less than 4 days away and looming over me as i get myself prepared. the goal to improve my photography has returned to its place in the forefront of my life and right beside it is the goal to write creatively and compose a novel.

 so this summer, with goals of preparing amazing dinners, catching more fish than A, completing my quilt, continuing as photog editor of the university paper and always searching for the best internship all sprinkled on top, just to make life more interesting, my goal list is set.

things unplanned

lazy days have become far too regular. maybe at some point this summer, i can start accomplishing things. too often i find my thoughts drifting and my to-do lists edited. even with my date book and my handy book of lists and ideas, this morning i showered, made my bed, folded laundry and painted my nails. truly none of those things were planned, or necessary, although the shower probably was. is it the summer heat thats got me bass ackwards or the looming move ahead of me? the days fly by and i'm rolling with the punches, trying to stay cool, calm and collected. perhaps once plans are finalized and the packing begins it'll stop feeling surreal and i'll start to get a move on. for the next few days though, the ideas of working, sleep and driving down winding old roads seem to be calling my name. the occasional swim and maybe an evening by a bonfire to close out my all too quick summer vacation. it's not over, i know, but a certain end is coming to my time in ct. next year, an apartment in dc? exciting times to be making plans and growning up, if only i can focus on the plans before me and get in contact with A, maybe then my mind will settle down and i can make difinitive moves out of this summer haze.

20th year

my 20th year... at an end, full of changes, highs and lows, tears and smiles, new friends and old, the chronicle, some photography and love. the next few weeks alone promise more challenges and surprises; living with A in maine, working and filming a documentary. in the fall, dedicating my life to the chronicle as photography editor, both in print and online, furthering my education in these last two years and applying for internships. time has flown by taking with it dozens of friends and memories, some i wished to hold on to and others i gladly let go. i welcome the day when my face is carved with wrinkles showing the happiness, sadness and wisdom of my life. until then, i welcome the start of my 21st year with a little wish but mostly determination to make it better than the last!

winner, winner

it must have been a lucky day today. i spent the day with mumma, running errands and thrifting. as she signaled and turned left into the goodwill, i wasn't far from sitting in the car but i was determined to be in a good mood, so reluctantly, i shlept into the store. winner winner, chicken dinner! not only was the rainy day full of smiles and laughs with my favorite woman, mumma, but i also found some spectacular thrifts. a navy quilted jacket, fantastic lightly used laced leather shoes from polo and two sundresses. and as the rain came, i made a call to a close family friend. with her help and support a paying job is in the works for this summer. 

1287 squares

my weekly to-do list, which at school consists of 10 times tops and is taped to my closet, has been growing. each time i cross one thing off i find my self adding another 2 or 3. when i should be finding a second summer job or tackling the mound of paperwork for my anthropological independent study as well as planning the documentary that will accompany it or even just unpacking my room, i look for everything and anything else to do. one thing on my list, that i have been diligently working on is my quilt. inspired by l.l. bean, i bought the fabrics last summer but only seriously began it this past spring. 143 nine by nine squares, or 1,287 individual squares, eventually with a boarder and trim, but for now just a work in progress. as my mind continues to flood with thoughts of a lake side cabin, nestled in a pine grove on a mountain in vermont or alberta, ideally i'll have completed it in time to move into my ocean side cabin with a. only a few more weeks before we'll be laying on the rocks, cuddled on the sofa and collecting footage for the film. so much to do on this summer vacation, perhaps i should have gotten a head start?!

forgotten.

i seem to have forgotten my blog in the last year. i seem to have forgotten most all of my writing. it's been a hectic year: 6 roommates, new friends, old friends, photography editor for the chronicle, work study, classes, old loves, a new love and a trip to Toronto. it's been nothing less than challenging but in the end i've loved all of it. now, i'm picking up my pen and resting my hands on the keys, ready to write and share the exciting adventures that are planned and unplanned for my 20th summer.
first, let me recap..

 my first front page photo.my amazing sister in canada.my mumma in the spring.my lamb loves.her beautiful prom and adorable date.my favorite boy, a.